To anyone who'd read this: I know this entry is kinda emo and pointless, but sorry, I just had to post this one. One, because I have to keep myself reminded about reality and keep myself from deluding into things that have absolutely no chance of happening, two, to keep myself on focus (especially that I failed on one of my midterm exams while I actually prepared myself mentally for it), and three, just to give me some peace of mind.

Recently, I've been trying to find all my faults during the past two (or three) years. I've found three so far, and that's my own selfishness, loss of self-confidence, and ignorance. I finally realized that the experience I had gave me a wake-up call, to grow up, and to seek what I really have to do and actually do it, though in exchange of almost losing my own self.

The people around me have been very helpful, and I owe them a lot because they've been helping me despite them having their own heavy problems -- though they cannot completely help me unless I help myself. Unfortunately -- call me an ignorant -- but I have no idea myself on how to do that, and to consider that I'm trying to do things to keep myself occupied. But I am pretty much confident that soon enough, I'll be able to find my own way of helping my own self, even if it will take days, months, or even years, and even if I would try to find a professional (read: A shrink) to help me.

My intuition tells me that there's something going on which may put me further down. I just hope that it'd fail me; or if ever it's actually happening, it'd be something that I can consider as my own challenge in which I can become a better person later on. One thing though -- as much as I wanted to blame people for having it happen, I'd rather keep the anger and hurt myself. (It was my mistake for playing with someone's conscience some few days ago, and for being very arrogant.)

It still hurts inside, and the only thing I can do is to cry about it since I still cannot swallow what happened to me especially that I felt that I had no existence at all; I cannot deny that as I'm only human. But in these cases, what applies is grace under pressure.

Self-pity, insecurity, and hate. These are the things I have to avoid at all costs. And if there'd be a big enemy that I have to face, it'd be my own self and not anyone else. (Okay, I've made a pun on that. XD)